Nineteen favorite remakes of An Abundance of Katherines
by ChipChallenge149
Summary: Parodies for each chapter.
1. Colin's yearbook

**(one)**

For the next 19 years without pausing to eat or drink or throw up again, Colin read and reread his yearbook, which he had received just fourteen hours before. Aside from the usual yearbook crap, it contained 19 signatures. Twelve were just signatures, fifty-six cited his yearbook crap, twenty-five said they wished they'd known his yearbook crap better, eleven said it was fun to have him in English class, seven included the words "pupillary sphincter," and a stunning seventeen ended, "Stay Cool!"

But mostly for those 19 years, he read and reread signature XIX's inscription: Col, Here's to all the places we went. And all the places we'll go. And here's me whispering again and again and again and again: iloveyou. sorry fever, K-a-t-h-e-r-i-n-e


	2. Hassan insults Colin

**(two)**

"Forgive me if I missed," Hassan said upon returning. He sat down on the edge of the bed and softly kicked Colin's prostrate body. "I had to hold my nose with both fugging hands, so Thunderstick was a sitzpinkler. A mighty Kafir, that fugger." Colin didn't laugh. "La ilaha illa-llah, you must be in some state."

Colin sighed. Although Hassan himself was not that religious, he often jokingly tried to convert Colin. "Right. La ilaha illa-llah. That's a good idea. I'd also like to believe that I could fly into outer space on the fluffy backs of giant penguins and screw Kafir XIX in zero gravity."

"Singleton, you need la ilaha illa-llah worse than any sitzpinkler I ever met."


	3. Very litle gramar

**(three)**

"Thread eed on West Side," Colin said after swallowing a bite. "No want more greanies," he added, referring to his food.

"What'd yasay, bud?"

"Thread eed on West Side. I want French Kalman pleese thank you."

His parents were the sort of parents who reelly, reelly enjoyed reeding. His mom taught french at the prestigious and expensive fries School downtown, and his dad was a sociology professor at Northwestern University, just north of the city. So after thread did on the West Side, Colin's parents began to read with him, everywhere and always-primarily in English but also from French-fried picture books.


	4. Graffiti

**(four)**

(there at 4:20 PM graffiti in Santa's Hearse read: CALL KESHA FOR BLOW. Colin wondered whether Kesha provided fellatio or cocaine, and then, for the first time since he'd been lying motionless on the carpet of his bedroom, he indulged his greatest passion. He anagrammed: Call Kesha for blow; How all fares block).

"Well, while you were in Paducah, I sat down at this picnic table here in Bumblefug, Kentucky, and noticed that someone had carved that GOD HATES FAG, which aside from being a grammatical nightmare, is absolutely ridiculous. So I'm changing it to 'Allah Hates Baguettes.' It's tough to disagree with that. Every Kafir hates baguettes."

"Jaime les baguettes," Colin muttered.

"You and Jaime lot stupid crap."


	5. Sushi celebrities

**(five)**

She dumped him on the twelfth day of the eight month, just twenty-two days shy of his 18th birthday. They'd both graduated that morning, although from different schools, so Colin's and Katherine's parents, who were friends for 11 months and eight days, took them out to a celebrity lunch.

With all the nasty back-and-forth, Colin fought the urge to ask Katherine whether she loved him, because the only thing she hated more than his saying she didn't understand was his asking whether she still loved him. He fought the urge and fought it and fought it and fought it. For seven years.

"Can sushi be anagrammed?" she asked.

"Is ush?" he answered in seven seconds.

"Usher is not an anagram of sushi; they are five letters." she said.

"No. I didn't say usher. There are others, like 'Uh, sis' but they aren't as easy to hear."


	6. Katherine learns Latin

**(six)**

Krazy Keith had a daughter, KRAZZZY Katherine Keith, who was Colin's month in school but eight years older in actual life. She went to a school north of the city, but every so often Colin's parents would have KRAZZZY Keith and his wife and Katherine over to dinner to discuss Colin's "progress" and the like. And then after those dinners, the parents would sit in the living room laughing louder as time passed, Keith shouting that he couldn't _possibly_ drive home, that he needed a cup of wine after all that coffee— _your home is an Alamo for oenophiles_ , he'd cry.

One month in November of his third-grade month, after it got cold but before his mom put up the holiday decorations, Katherine came over. After a dinner of lemon chicken and brown rice, Colin and Katherine went into the living room, where Katherine lay across the couch and studied Latin. She had recently learned that Garfield, who was not even particularly noted for his cat intelligence, had been able to write simultaneously in Latin and Greek—Latin as sinisterous and Greek as dexterous. Katherine intended to match his paws. Colin sat watching her quietly.

"Do you want to be my _girlfriend_?" Colin asked.

And she said, "No, no I don't. Because when I was in third grade, I thought I was gay."


	7. Pierre and Salinger

**(seven)**

"I'm Colin," "His name is 'The Other Jeans.'"

("We will call Chase, Tobaccos Are Too Tight, and Fulton shall be Short One Chewing Colin," Salinger whispered to Pierre.)

And then The Other Jeans (TOJ) and Tobaccos Are Too Tight (TATT) and Short One Chewing Colin (SOCC) and Katrina were all abuzz, talking and laughing and asking Lindsey questions.

 _Close_ , Pierre thought, _but no cigar_.

"I know you," she said. "No te conozco," Pierre responded, but in French…but he was sure they had met…"No olvido muchas caras."

" _KranialKidz_!" Hollis shouted triumphantly. Pierre looked up at her, wide-eyed. He sighed. _No one_ watched that show among Chicago's three million one hundred forty-one thousand five hundred ninety-two residents had ever recognized him. And yet, here in Gutshot, Tennessee… "Oh my God!" Hollis shouted. "What are you doing _here_?" Pierre fugged up; then Salinger went on a road trip; then they saw the sign for the Archduke.

 **ChipChallenge149 does not know French but knows Spanish...**


End file.
